Bring it into the light.

Pastor Ben has been preaching about abiding in Christ and abiding in the Word. This past Sunday I think I know what it’s going to be about (part two of how to be successful in my anointing) and then spends the first 20 minutes talking about letting go of and surrendering your sin. Specifically about things that are kept in the dark. And I knew immediately, I need to make confession. I mean, the Holy Spirit was working on me before we even got here. First during worship, he brought the same sin that I’ve been wrestling for months, screaming to my attention, then communion – I was so convicted I couldn’t take communion. I prayed the whole time but I couldn’t kill the thing before the music was done playing and it was time to move on so I put Jesus in my pocket and vowed to finish what I started. 

I had been keeping this thing in the dark. I had been smoking, or vaping rather, for about 3 months. And besides my elder daughter and a few unbelieving friends, nobody knew.  I knew I had to bring it into the light but I was simultaneously too ashamed and embarrassed to even speak of it. But I wanted to. 

I wanted to run to the altar and leave my little vape on the altar – but I didn’t have it with me – and I wouldn’t have, as romantic as it sounds. 

I told myself I will make confession to my guest, Sue, and to my younger daughter at dinner that night before Bible study. Then the enemy convinced me that if Sue knew she would think I was not worthy of leading a study or worse, maybe she would think I was a liar for hiding it. At the same time I could see how God would use this example of humility to grow and bless my daughter. But I couldn’t do it. 

So I told myself on Monday that I would make confession to one friend, and another. And it didn’t happen. Partly avoiding. Partly because there was too much chaos to be heard and I desperately needed prayer. I didn’t just need to tell someone, I needed someone to hear me and pray for me. 

Then I woke up today and on my way to work I took one puff and then decided better to pray in the spirit, thinking any time I have a craving I’ll pray. And all was well until lunch time when I talked myself into running an errand on lunch so I could smoke. But the guilt drove me right to Marys, unannounced. I gave my confession. We prayed. I thank God for my weakness so that I can see His strength working in me. 

Something about this just has to be Him. The first time, He took this addiction from me so swiftly and quickly that I was floored. I mean, let me tell you how I KNOW God is real. 20 year addiction, done. No cravings, no temptation for years.  That testimony is a shining pillar (no wonder the enemy tried to attack it). About a year ago, I opened some wrong doors that I am still dealing with the consequences of – one of them smoking. I smoked for a couple of months, and I quit, and the Lord took that from me too. He can and He did. He showed me that it wasn’t a fluke or a surge of my own will. By round three, I was almost reckless because I thought maybe I just can’t get addicted anymore. Like as soon as I decide I won’t, I won’t. But then I found myself here, unable to set this thing down, unable to tie it to the altar – it don’t want to go. And I find myself  crying that I can’t do it and I don’t feel worthy of God delivering me again. Bondage. My spirit doesn’t have any peace while this sin is active. My spirit doesn’t want it but my flesh does. I have to crucify my flesh. That started with bringing it into the light. And calling the lies: lies. Remembering the truth. 

There was a shift, a total shift in me. It’s hard to deny the reality of the spirit world. The wars we wage are not against flesh and blood. Pastor was talking about ‘how can God use someone if we won’t follow the Holy Spirit and listen to Him’? I’m desperate for God to use me. I’m desperate to not have to sit with regret while other people are blessed with a blessing he tried to give me but I chose smoking.

I can see the enemy attacking me in so many ways – strategic. Against my voice and breath. Against my health. Against my obedience to attack the anointing. How can I be open to receive the Lord speaking to me if when he tells me to take care of a log in my eye first, I won’t? How can I help anyone without first removing the log from my own eye. 

Lord, please carry me through this, and teach me what you want me to know.